tex_chan (tex_chan) wrote in qotd_answers,

Writer's Block: Upon further review

If you could go back and change one event in your life (or un-say one thing you wish you'd never said), what would you choose, and why?
Wow ... so, really, the question for me is: Where would I even begin answering this?

I have regrets. Many, many regrets -- spanning an entire lifetime. Some of them are things I could have changed. And others are things that I had no control over ... things that were entirely under the control of other people. But, even so, I wish they had gone differently. I never used to think about my regrets. I didn't let myself think about them. Maybe because they were too painful. Or maybe because that's simply how I had to be, growing up in the "particular" childhood that I had. You make the best of what you have. Period. You don't want more. You don't think of more. You don't dream. You don't think about things that went wrong. You just continue forward, never letting yourself think too much or feel too much.

But, honestly, that's no way to live. I thought it was. Hell, I thought I was doing a damn great job of moving along ... living my life ... keeping the faith. Whatever you want to call it. And then, everything kind of cratered in on me, and I realized what an idiot I had been. I realized that no one can live that way. Well, I guess I can't speak for everyone. Maybe some people can live like that. But I can't.

And so now ... I have regrets. Lots and lots and lots of regrets. It's not that I never had them before. It's just that I'm going through the process of forcing myself to take a long, hard look at them. So that, maybe, I can come out of the other side of things feeling more at ease. More at peace. Because I would like that. I would like, just one time in my life, to be able to look in the mirror and like the person looking back at me. To be able to accept her for who and what she is. And I would like to feel as if my own soul is at peace with the person I am. With the decisions I've made. With the decisions that are yet to come.

The biggest one: Law School. There. I said it. I admitted it out loud. Law School is probably one of the biggest (if not THE biggest) mistake I made in my life. And the biggest regret. And you want to know what's even more idiotic? I didn't even go to law school for myself. I did it for my parents. I wanted to quit. From the first moment I sat down in my first class, right up until the last minute of my last class there. I wanted to walk away. Because it wasn't me. It didn't fit me. I hated it. I was so painfully unhappy. I can't ever remember being more unhappy in my entire life than I was while attending law school. And nothing good followed it. I graduated during a horrible economy, and I was not at the top of my class. Hell, my law school class was 30 people. So the top ten percent was ... what? 3 people? Anyhow, law school was followed by a string of crappy jobs, working for miserable people, and basically wishing I was someone else. Anyone else. My last law job wasn't all that crappy. I worked for an insurance company, and it was a decent work environment. Plus, I was, basically, a briefing attorney. So at least I got to research and write -- pretty much the only things I enjoyed about law school. But even there, I didn't get promoted. So, yeah ... for me, being a lawyer was a big, fat ZERO. And I pretty much felt like a big, fat ZERO the whole time I practiced. I still feel that way, but now it's more because I'm pissed at myself for not being braver. For not having the ability to stand up for myself back then.

The one positive about law school, though, was that it gave me huge lessons in life and in understanding people. Hopefully -- if I'm ever able to write again -- that will help me as a writer.

And that's it. My biggest regret.
Tags: writer's block
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